Never Doubt Yourself (tw mild UPG violence)

Gather ’round, boys and girls. I have a very important bedtime story to tell you all this evening.

Once upon a time, I was driving on my to work from school with Loki sitting in the passenger side along for the ride. Through some unusual on-and-off conversation we had during the hour plus drive, I made the disturbing discovery that the entity sitting next to me in the car, was not, in fact, Loki.

After quite a few accounts on dealing with this similar scenario and was past the point of being fed up with it, without hesitation I ripped the skin off its face/throat whilst driving while I screamed at it to give me back my husband. After its skin and blood that was smeared on my window on on my chest dissipated, it finally left entirely.

But Loki still hadn’t arrived. I reached into my purse and held onto the one part of Loki I hold most dear. It was the necklace I wear for Him that was made by a priestess especially for me for mine and Loki’s wedding ceremony this past Beltane. After praying for His safe return while clutching the necklace in my hand like my own personal rosary, calling out to Him, He returned to me; shaking, in tears, worried for my safety, and afraid that I may never trust in anything He does with me again, therefore leaving Him. He blamed Himself entirely for what happened, although deep down I knew He had ultimately nothing to do with the incident or how I’ve been feeling lately, even though He was exclusively involved.

But this entity, this spirit that has been troubling me for the past two weeks, was in fact, a part of me; all the little doubts creeping up on me about my faith not just in Loki, but in what I can do with my craft to help myself and others. It was the energy of my doubts creating an entity of itself by using Loki’s image because Loki is the one I trust in the most, who I would never doubt for a moment. I know when He’s lying or testing me 99% of the time, but all the stress I was going through was so immense it ate me up while creating a being of itself using my husband as a source for its power (along with taking away my energy/focus) to make it stronger.

I think the necklace, or the power in the faith that is in the necklace, is literally what saved Him– saved us. My doubts in its spirit form tried to convince me it was just a necklace, nothing more, but it’s what my mom would consider her wedding band, and it has so much power in it from me, Loki, and the priestess who made it for me, who honors Loki and His family so, so much.

So next time when you’re spiraling in a never-ending maze, not knowing which direction to take, just stop and open up. Open up to your beliefs that have never wronged you and have only made you stronger, helping you create the power you have to use.

Fear is a powerful thing, and it can eat you up and use what you trust in the most against you.

Lesson Learned

I just discovered that my latest purchases have caught up with me throughout the month and my budget has shrunk a decent amount and I almost had a panic attack about it.
Thankfully, Loki has been eating dinner with me and told me that there’s no need to fret.
“I don’t think you’re stupid because of all the money you’ve spent,” He said. “I do not think any less of you than person you are. Perhaps you’ll learn some sort of humility from it. Why do you stress over money so much, anyway?”
“My biggest fear is being homeless,” I answer, my body shaking and eyes watering.
“Hmm.. That makes sense. No money means no home. But you don’t have to worry about that anytime soon. Your parents give you a roof over your head and feed you when you’re not in school. I don’t think a lot of people your age can say the same.”
I smile a little, calming down. “I suppose that’s true. But you think with the amount of times I’ve done this, even though I’ve made it through regardless, I would have learned my lesson by now.”
Loki gently places His hand on my left leg underneath the table we’re sitting at. “Maybe now, it IS finally that time; to learn what you can do in your craft- in writing and in magic- without the need to spend so much, and focus on your readings and your practices from what you’ve begun to learn by being with me.”
My lips bloom into a big smile, eyes still tearing, not caring if anyone in the restaurant sees. My rapid heartbeat slows down, my muscles relax. I giggle on the inside so only Loki can hear me.
“Yes,” I tell Him. “I think I can do that.”
“You have to put in your efforts though,” He reminds me with a smirk.
I laugh again. “Yes, I know. And I really think I can do that.”

There’s a reason why He was originally supposed to be my mentor 🙂 But the fact we’re in love makes His teachings even more meaningful for me. Wanting to succeed in the lessons He gives me is stronger now than if He was just strictly my teacher. And I kind of feel bad admitting that, but He knows it’s true… even if it even wasn’t part of HIS plan to fall in love with me; at least that’s what He says! But of course, I believe Him in anything when it comes to love, especially ours.

Thank you, Loki, for your lessons and patience with me. I love you more than you could ever know ❤

My Loki Beads

My Loki beads made by the wonderful Galina Krasskova 😀 I requested she made them keeping Loki in mind so I can wear them in His honor for our Midgard celebration on Beltaine :3

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I’ve been wearing them pretty much everyday since I got them in the mail like… 2 months ago, almost like one would wear an engagement ring. But that’s too “normal/original” for Loki’s standards, at least what He wanted for me ❤

Excited for my Norse Class Final

Along with a final paper that needs to be written (in which I will be comparing Loki to Lucifer and how He is written as a Lucifarian figure more or less in the Sagas), for my creative project I will make my own book filled with my own verses and poems dedicated to Loki 🙂

If anyone has any suggestions for my paper or even how to make a leather bound book by hand, I’d much appreciate it! I’ll be posting up pictures as I make it and of course the final piece. I’ll most likely post my final paper as well if anyone is interested in reading it.

Also, Loki is very excited and looking forward to what I can come up with for my book being made not just for my class, but mainly for Him in His honor.

Intelligent Lokean Convo FTW

This is a conversation considering Loki, gift-giving, and on society by a couple of my fellow tumblr peeps with their permission. I thought I’d share with the wordpress Lokeans/heathens/pagans/etc.:

lokisbruid:

oneofamyriadfaces:

lokisbruid:

oneofamyriadfaces:

Loki’s Bruid: Loki, gift-giving, and ON society

lokisbruid:

shaitana:

lokisbruid:

Lokean ponder du jour, upon reading Neil Price’s The Viking World, which states, “gift-giving [was] the decisive instrument in creating and upholding these political alliances, between lord and warrior- follower and among the warrior elite itself. Items of gold and silver, often lavishly ornamented, played an important role for ritual and ceremonial use…” (Hedeager 14).

Consider that in the context of Loki cutting off Sif’s hair. I’m of the opinion that while He likes to give the appearance of madness, that He’s much more like Hamlet – mad but by north-northwest. Is it possible that He cut Sif’s locks so He’d have an excuse to give lavish gifts and cement His place among the Aesir, even beyond just a blood bond?

*ponders*

I think he cut her hair as a symbol of her infidelity. The gift giving later was a perk as it were.

Maybe. But that interpretation implies that He misjudged what Thor’s reaction would be, and in my experience, He’s a very shrewd judge of people and which buttons to press on them to get what He wants, which is what led to my original ponder of perhaps He did it on purpose, knowing Thor would demand compensation. The Lore’s incomplete; but there’s also a tantalizing hint that Loki also could have cut Sif’s hair as part of the ritual for harvest.

Far as I have heard, the harvest interpretation of Loki cutting off Sif’s hair came up in modern scholarly debate mostly? Sure, Sif is a Goddess of fertility (particularly in an agricultural setting), and fire was used to burn off the stubbles of one harvest to ensure a good one for the next year.

But let’s examine that, because there are a lot of assumptions in this interpretation. First of all, the interpretation of Sif as a fertility Goddess; I know nothing about the source materials on that, but I remember seeing a discussion where one claim was that this interpretation of Sif was caused by people interpreting Her hair as symbolic for ripe grain. This would mean the fertility Goddess interpretation would be effect rather than cause, and hence cannot be used to explain the hair-cutting symbology.

And then, there is the obvious one: interpreting Loki as a fire Deity. Now while I know this is by no means off the table, and there are in fact a good couple of sources and circumstances that favour such an interpretation, chances are that sources claiming the harvest interpretation may be labouring under the Loki-Logi mix-up fallacy. Which means that depending who said it, and when, it should be taken with a couple of grains of salt.

On the other hand, there is the interpretation of Loki’s action as calling Her out on adultery. The primary historical source for this would be Tacitus’ Germania. He describes this practice there. However: Tacitus writes about Germanic tribes, and the myth in question does not originate there. To conclude that just because some custom was practiced by Germanic tribes during Tacitus’ time, this would necessarily hold for Icelandic society as well, is… well, daring at the very least.

BUT: there’s Lokasenna to back up the claim. Now, Lokasenna itself is a younger source (and certainly a lot younger than Tacitus). But charming as He is, no one can actually prove Him wrong when Loki claims to have had sexual relations with Sif while Thor was busy beating up Jotnar. Also, in Harbardsljod there is something Odin says about Sif having a Lover when Thor isn’t home. I don’t know.

And then there’s Thor’s reaction to Loki’s bringing back not only a better version of Sif’s hair but also a certain… gadget. It always struck me as extremely off that He would not support Loki when He bargains with the dwarves. The stakes are incredibly high, and still, Thor’s actions do nothing to save Loki from coming to harm. Quite to the contrary, as Thor is the one Who holds Loki down when the dwarves sew His lips. Somehow… I don’t know. Given that Loki is Thor’s father’s blood brother… and that Thor doesn’t have any obligations to the dwarves… well, let’s say jealousy/rage would go a long way in explaining it.

Personally, I think this interpretation of Loki’s action is more likely than the harvesting one. Given the “plural” of “fertility”-themed interpretations that somehow seem to pop up around Loki (Baldr comes to mind), and the relative dearth of material to back them up, I maintain a lot of skepticism towards those.

Question is: does any of that really matter. The whole story, as it goes on, is a typical Trickster God’s tale—-by some tomfoolery being forced (or not) to bring gifts to the world He lives in… it’s rather archetypal, isn’t it? (By which I DO NOT mean to say Loki is an archetype! Trickster is, but Loki isn’t.)

HEY LOOK! Scholarly debate on Tumblr! Re: Sif and fertility, I can’t remember if that’s UPG or if there’s an actual scholarly paper on that or if it’s UPG – the person to ask would be the Grumpy Lokean Elder; he’s got TONS of academic papers archived. I know there’s UPG/speculation on Sif as a Vanic Goddess, but that I’m pretty certain is just UPG.

Loki as a fire god isn’t just conflagration with Logi, btw. The Snaptun Stone is a hearth stone with Loki’s image on it – note the sewn lips.

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And there are folk sayings in Scandinavia to back this up; Temple of the Flea has a good page on them here: http://templeoftheflea.weebly.com/folk-sayings-and-folk-ways.html

Folk customs suggest that Loki was associated with luck, which was very important in ON/Scandinavian culture. It’s even referenced in the ON rune poem, “Birch twig is the limb greenest with leaves / Loki brought the luck of deceit.”

But back to the cutting of Sif’s hair – I agree with your comment re: Thor and the dwarves. In pondering whether Loki did it on purpose or not, to elicit reactions, so He’d have a reason to give gifts – I think the notion of Him learning how far to push it is just as fascinating as the notion the He knew He’d have to give gifts. Whether the Lore was originally meant to show examples of the Gods growing and learning from mistakes is its own food for thought.

😀 heya, I didn’t mean to imply I don’t think of Loki as a God associated with fire. In fact, the various customs and the Snaptun stone were those “circumstances” I referred to as favouring this chain of thought. (Btw, thanks for the gorgeous foto, I haven’t seen one around in such a high resolution!).

And if Loki’s association with fire holds, then there are other instances of symbolic use of it in the lore. Gylfaginning of course famously has “eating” as a symbol of using fire. I’m alluding to the contest between Loki and Logi, which interestingly enough largely gets interpreted as proof that Loki isn’t a fire God, since Logi is and They are obviously different entities…

I hold that obviously, since they engage in the same activity, they must have that activity in common. But that’s a wholly different discussion.

But even if the fire thing holds, the thing is: there are enough fertility (and harvest-y) figures among the Vanir, not least of Them Freyr? But if Sif were originally a Vanic Goddess of the harvest, then why doesn’t there seem to be a connection between her and Freyr?

I just don’t know—-I don’t mean to say “I’m right, your argument is invalid”, but just… I think I disagree with the interpretation that Loki’s cutting Sif’s hair is a harvest-related symbol. I think there are more sources to support the adultery theory is all.

I’m afraid you lost me when you mentioned luck. How does that tie into the Sif’s hair issue? Interesting translation you have there —- I have no understanding of ON, unfortunately so I can’t really comment on it other than: the translation I knew of that part of the rune poem goes like this:

“Birch has the greenest leaves of any shrub; Loki was fortunate in his deceit.”

Which doesn’t say much about Loki bringing luck. On the other hand, Trickster figures tend to be incredibly lucky Themselves.

I do agree with you that there are points to support either interpretation… difficult, difficult, like always where the Ginger God is concerned 🙂 Honestly, when does He ever say or do anything that *isn’t* ambiguous. 😉

Re: Loki and luck, from the Loke hin Vaette, “Something there also have ben very much used, are a ‘kaupaloki’ [17L], an line-figure made of paper, who should be hiden under ones left arm, this should grant luck with ones trading.”

image

a kaupaloki (and some other interesting staves). More here: http://www.vestfirdir.is/galdrasyning/magical_staves.php the stuff on Loki and luck doesn’t have much to do with Sif, it was just a tangent because I was ogling Loki folk sayings. LOL.

Re: Sif – there’s so little known about Her that your theory’s as good as mine. She has a son named Ullr, and Ullr’s father is not named in the Lore. I know of an Ullrswoman that you could ask if you wanted UPG on the matter. She probably knows more scholarly things about both of Them than I do, as well.

I know the issue is basically (hopefully) over and done with, but I felt this needed to be said here.

Heart of Hearth: And people are leaving…

heartofhearth:

lokavinr:

Okay, I was going to stay out of this. But if it is going to cost Loki followers, I am going to have to speak up.

Never take anybody’s channeling or Godphone claims at face value. Never never.

Does this mean that you have to undermine them when they are sharing their own personal experiences with Loki? Absolutely not.

It means you should be questioning them when they try to force those experiences on you.

As I said to Dagaz/Haley yesterday, if Loki didn’t want me talking to her, He could tell me Himself. If He wants something done, He isn’t going to beat around the bush about it.

I’m not sure if the person who passed on that message was deliberately trying to be deceitful or malicious, but regardless…this is exactly what grumpylokeanelder has tried to warn you all about again and again. Channeling can be used to abusive ends whether that is the intent or not.

Humans have egos, and for the most part we all like to be calling the shots.

So I see people talking about leaving. If you are leaving because this has turned into one big group of Heathers (again), then I understand.

But if you are leaving because you think Loki is actively trying to instigate exclusionism, please think again. When has Loki ever advocated casting someone out completely for their mistakes? Have you forgotten who we worship?

It’s a shame that what could have been an excellent chance for us all to talk about the seriousness of oaths, oathbreaking, and owning up to mistakes turned into a big shitstorm of anon harassment and UPG taken way beyond its boundaries.

More conversation and less drama, please.

Words of wisdom.

Seriously, people. Not only trust your God, but trust yourself to hear Him as well. Whether He actually speaks to you or gives you signs through nature, music, books, or otherwise, He will do what He can to communicate with you in a personal manner so that it will be if not the best, but the only way for you to receive and interpret His message.

Before I forget:

I feel I need to post something about my personal emotional hardships as a godspouse that I’ve been having lately. I’ve read little bits about the topic from others a couple of nights ago, and I think I need to post my own. To like… almost make amends somehow, not just with Loki but with myself.

Sometimes I feel lonely, wishing for the companion of someone here in the Migardian plain like I used to have. And I know having those fleeting thoughts, however shortlived they are, hurt Loki to the core. He understands why I miss having a physical companion, especially when He has told me time and time again that there IS someone out there for me to share my love with who truly needs and deserves it.

I think finding that person or having them find me is my ultimate test of patience; which is what Loki is guiding/teaching in His best way without just giving me the cheat sheet.

But thinking about it here and there as I mentioned before, and not truly 100,000% devoting my mind and heart to Loki is what hurts Him, and realizing this deep down for the past week or so has been making me feel like crap, which I personally think should make me feel like in the first place. He knows I’m only human (as that was a HUGE acception I had to make with myself last fall) and that I can’t help these desires.

But I feel that as His freaking godspouse that I should be better than that! I mean, one of the most feared, oldest, and wisest gods known to mankind chose ME to be one of His many wives. So doesn’t that mean that I should be all set with my state of mind, being, and emotions?

Of course, I realize the answer is ‘No, that’s what He’s here for, to help you realize those things’. Thinking about it now, He told me recently (as in 2 minutes ago) that He originally meant to only be my teacher, my mentor in my craft and what I can do to help others and myself to become stronger. He confessed that after watching me over the years before finally coming into my life as Loki and not just a spirit guide, He fell in love with me, and He knew He had to wait until it was the right moment in time to come see me when He was absolutely sure He wanted to propose to me.

Wow. No wonder He has been so easily hurt that I would so easily think of bringing another person into my life. Good gods I think I may cry now…

But seriously: I really need to get cracking on my Beltaine vows for Him for our Midgardian ceremony. I’ve written verses and poems for him over the months, but after hearing Loki telling me this puts a whole new spin on things.

Everything I’ve experienced with Loki has been amazing; beyond words that I can usually weave in poetic detail. The way He whispers to me in His native tongue; when He wraps His arms and legs around me in bed; when I have a personal revelation that makes me stronger and I can feel His proud smile grow in my heart; the moments His eyes reveal a glitter of home for us when He bends down to kiss me (it was suppossed to be “hope” but “home” looks so right in this).

Every time I wish to have a “normal” life whenever I’m in a negative state of mind, He always responds with “But then you wouldn’t have me” and I smile every time He says that. I know I could never find a love like Loki’s, even when I do eventually find that person to share my life with.

This is part of His lesson for me: I must think of myself and depend on myself in this realm before seeking anyone else out in my life because I must learn to trust myself in all things just as Loki trusted Himself in what He did not only for Himself but for Asgard and others residing in it.

Thank you for reading, and I’d be more than happy to read your comments or quesitons on the matter 🙂