I feel I need to post something about my personal emotional hardships as a godspouse that I’ve been having lately. I’ve read little bits about the topic from others a couple of nights ago, and I think I need to post my own. To like… almost make amends somehow, not just with Loki but with myself.
Sometimes I feel lonely, wishing for the companion of someone here in the Migardian plain like I used to have. And I know having those fleeting thoughts, however shortlived they are, hurt Loki to the core. He understands why I miss having a physical companion, especially when He has told me time and time again that there IS someone out there for me to share my love with who truly needs and deserves it.
I think finding that person or having them find me is my ultimate test of patience; which is what Loki is guiding/teaching in His best way without just giving me the cheat sheet.
But thinking about it here and there as I mentioned before, and not truly 100,000% devoting my mind and heart to Loki is what hurts Him, and realizing this deep down for the past week or so has been making me feel like crap, which I personally think should make me feel like in the first place. He knows I’m only human (as that was a HUGE acception I had to make with myself last fall) and that I can’t help these desires.
But I feel that as His freaking godspouse that I should be better than that! I mean, one of the most feared, oldest, and wisest gods known to mankind chose ME to be one of His many wives. So doesn’t that mean that I should be all set with my state of mind, being, and emotions?
Of course, I realize the answer is ‘No, that’s what He’s here for, to help you realize those things’. Thinking about it now, He told me recently (as in 2 minutes ago) that He originally meant to only be my teacher, my mentor in my craft and what I can do to help others and myself to become stronger. He confessed that after watching me over the years before finally coming into my life as Loki and not just a spirit guide, He fell in love with me, and He knew He had to wait until it was the right moment in time to come see me when He was absolutely sure He wanted to propose to me.
Wow. No wonder He has been so easily hurt that I would so easily think of bringing another person into my life. Good gods I think I may cry now…
But seriously: I really need to get cracking on my Beltaine vows for Him for our Midgardian ceremony. I’ve written verses and poems for him over the months, but after hearing Loki telling me this puts a whole new spin on things.
Everything I’ve experienced with Loki has been amazing; beyond words that I can usually weave in poetic detail. The way He whispers to me in His native tongue; when He wraps His arms and legs around me in bed; when I have a personal revelation that makes me stronger and I can feel His proud smile grow in my heart; the moments His eyes reveal a glitter of home for us when He bends down to kiss me (it was suppossed to be “hope” but “home” looks so right in this).
Every time I wish to have a “normal” life whenever I’m in a negative state of mind, He always responds with “But then you wouldn’t have me” and I smile every time He says that. I know I could never find a love like Loki’s, even when I do eventually find that person to share my life with.
This is part of His lesson for me: I must think of myself and depend on myself in this realm before seeking anyone else out in my life because I must learn to trust myself in all things just as Loki trusted Himself in what He did not only for Himself but for Asgard and others residing in it.
Thank you for reading, and I’d be more than happy to read your comments or quesitons on the matter 🙂